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The Schoolhouse Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Men is what they have in their drawers. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, special guest dave thomas watches his brother get something off his finger, I make a political statement, bill tries his hand and his foot at football, we catch glen braxton in the middle of a busy day, and I'm gonna show you how to swing through your public-school days. And now here's the man with millions of viewers, thousands of followers, hundreds of friends, dozens of in-laws, and only one nephew -- mr. Red green! [ cheers and applause ] wa-a-a! [ howling ] thank you. Things are very good up at possum lodge this week. Not perfect, but very good. And here's the reason they're not perfect -- my nephew, harold. [ splat! Boing! Splat! ] oh, boy. Well, we got a big thing going on here. We're all gonna meet downtown and figure out a way to fix up the possum lake area. Oh, we're gonna lynch the mayor? No, no, harold. We're gonna save the old one-room schoolhouse. Couple of yuppies put an offer in on it to buy it and turn it into one of them quaint country stores. Man, I hate those places. You know, when you get the little jelly jars, there's enough jam in there for one slice of toast. Or they got the canadian souvenir fridge magnets made in taiwan. Or that yuppie ice cream costs a fortune, got names like dugen fnern or squeezen bjorden or something, you know? And, of course, no vanilla. No, no, no. They got "sinfulicky decadent chocolatey mocha" crapola. I don't know. So we're gonna nip this thing in the bud before this quaintness can get a toehold. We're gonna try and get the -- the schoolhouse to be taken over by the township, and they can pay for getting it fixed up. You know, I think that building was contaminated with, like, lead or zirconium or something. It's got -- it's got bad air. You know, it just drained all the intelligence right out of us like those alien space-pod people did in those old movies. [ slurps ] oh, yeah. It's 150 years old, and it's full of history there, too. Junior singleton invented the wedgie during recess one day. Hi, this is winston rothschild reminding you "your sewage is our bread and butter." [ clothesline squeaking ] ♪ oh, we're heading for the cottage at the break of dawn ♪ ♪ got our seatbelts buckled and our helmets on ♪ ♪ daddy's in a bad mood, mommy's in a funk ♪ ♪ got the boat on the roof and the dog in the trunk ♪ ♪ oh, we're heading to the cottage ♪ ♪ and the traffic's getting tight ♪ ♪ car's getting hot, and there's gonna be a fight ♪ ♪ so I'm staring out at the window ♪ ♪ being as quiet as I get ♪ ♪ 'cause I don't want my last words to be ♪ ♪ "are we there yet?" ♪ [ water splashes ] all right, all right. You had a family get-together on the weekend, and you realized that your grandson is being raised by a moron. Imbecile son-in-law. It's a common affliction. Well, he married your daughter. There was a tip-off. But now it's serious 'cause there's offspring involved. Little rascal needs a dad, needs kind of a firm hand, tradition. Yeah, and you're afraid that your knee-jerk son-in-law is not gonna raise the kid the way you would. Maybe not gonna let him play with guns. Not ever gonna let him throw the first punch... Or even the second. Preferring soccer to baseball is very, uh, european. Don't worry. The kid'll probably grow up, toughen up, and stop listening to his dad. Like we did. Absolutely. Maybe get arrested a couple of times, you know? Nothing serious, just enough to make him a man. Worth five years in university. Oh, yeah. Yeah. My dad never hugged me, never held my hand, and I turned out all right. Men should not touch men. So just give it time. Hopefully, the kid'll come around. We did. Oh, yeah. [ quacking ] this attempt to save possum lake schoolhouse from demolition has got me thinking about one of the main things that's wrong with the schools. Look at this desk. No wonder I spent so many years in grade six. This desk isn't built for a 17-year-old kid. And what about the kid of today, huh? Where's he gonna put his computer? Up here? Don't think so. Or how about a semiautomatic? No way. So he ends up sitting there in school bored out of his mind while he waits for recess -- 6 hours of drudgery for 10 minutes of enjoyment. Sort of like a honeymoon. Well, I say you go into the playground there at the schoolyard, take the swings down, and bring them inside, start making school fun for the kids. Well, this makes a lot more sense, doesn't it? Kid doesn't have to sit still, huh? He can move around, go over and get something from the cloak room... Or go up and check what's on the blackboard. Or he could sneak up behind another kid and check his answers. And if the teacher says, "come on up to the front of the class," well, hey, you don't have to wait. Oh, boy! [ crash ] all right. Now, this gives me another idea. You're gonna need some type of a flat surface to use as a desk. What about a door? More specifically... This door. You're gonna have to put longer ropes on the swing, and you're gonna have to cut a square hole in the bottom of the door. I already made a pilot hole with my leg. [ groans ] so, you take the extra ropes you've added to the swing, and you tie one to each side of the door. That way, the kid can be sitting there, swinging his way through his abc's. Suddenly, the teacher says, "okay, time for desk work." no problem. And it's 100% adjustable to whatever height you want, depending on how much weight you put on the seat. You can even make yourself invisible. That way you can make faces at the teacher. Finally a desk that reflects the attitude of today's teenagers. So remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Or on a hot summer's day, how about this? It's a nice breeze, but it smells funny. Stay tuned. Bill's gonna turn himself into an 18-wheeler as part of his "fun with rubber" hobby, and harold's gonna give me a lift into town. I know a lot of you young people are stuck in some lousy jobs out there, and, uh, you don't want to be turning 40, still asking people if they want fries with that. But the path to a better career is not to screw up the job you have now. For example, I was in one of them fast-food places the other day, and after I placed my order for the third time, it struck me that, uh, that kid behind the counter was probably never gonna be running the company. They even had the manager helping him. I could tell she was a manager 'cause she was 18 months older, didn't have to wear the paper hat. I made the mistake of handing them a $20 bill just as the computer went down, which meant they had no idea how much change to give me. And I just knew I was looking at two kids who had sat in grade-seven math class thinking, "hey, we're never gonna need to know this stuff." they stared at that $20 like they were looking for operating instructions. My point is, if you won't or can't do the job you have, no employer is gonna promote you to the better job you want. I mean, harold's been my producer and director for five years in a row. What does that tell you? I am winston rothschild, reminding you, "if the neighbors are complainin', better start drainin'." call 1-800-555-suck. Well, this project to have possum lake public school declared a historical site has brought out the community spirit in everybody. I'm on the committee to organize the school reunion. We're gonna get everybody back who's ever went there before, and we're hoping that the five who actually graduated can make it, too. You know? How are you getting in touch with everybody? Well, we figure the parole board's the best source of information. So I guess you're sending out invitations mainly to "no fixed address," are you? No, you know, we figure anyone who went to that school, their reading comprehension, you know, might be in doubt. So I'm actually -- I'm gonna phone everybody directly. It's scary the type of people they allow to have phones. But, anyway, I just told them to meet at the school next Saturday. Yeah, I hope we can figure out where the school's gonna be, 'cause, you know, we got to move it. And, of course, once that word got out that we're moving the school, everybody wanted to compete for that job. So they got their trucks out, and they start showing off, you know. And junior singleton threw a chain around the post office, pulled it right off the foundation there, you know. And buster hadfield dragged the town clock from one end of the street to the other. Made perfect time on that, too. So who got the honors of moving the school? Well, I think it went to junior singleton because he had pulled the drugstore 2 1/2 miles. Everybody was pretty impressed with that, except for the druggist, of course. So now the next major deal is, who gets to keep all the treasures that are in the basement underneath the school? Underneath the school? Oh, harold, got to be a ton of stuff under there, right? Old pens, inkwells, shoes, buttons, eh? Glass eyes, lost marbles, harold. A lot of the teachers lost their marbles in that school. Any of your stuff gonna be under that school? A lot of homework. I used to jam that down through the hole in the floorboards. I told the teacher that the dog ate it, you know. But if my dog had eaten as much homework as I said he did, he'd be passing fire logs. Don't adjust your set. The show's supposed to look like this. Aw. I don't know why you don't get a better vehicle, uncle red. You know, like one of those new kind of vans they're building these days? You know, the kind that actually run? Can't afford it, harold. Ha! Just borrow the money from the bank. Yeah, but once you add on the interest and the service charge and the humiliation of having to tell some dolt why you're broke, that could be a negative experience. Yeah. I go through that every week, trying to get my allowance. [ vehicle approaching ] oh. [ tires squeal ] oh. You know, but you'd always have the new vehicle to borrow against. You know, you'd always have that as backup. The bank doesn't want my van, harold. They're in the money business, not the vehicle-repo business. Customers don't go into the bank to withdraw a door from a hyundai pony. They won't repossess it if you keep the payments up, and you can do that. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. But worrying about it will cramp my lifestyle. Yeah, but you'd be riding around in a lot nicer vehicle. [ laughs ] well, with the hitchhiking, I can be in a nicer vehicle every couple hours, and it's free. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. I suppose, if you don't count the loss of shoes, loss of dignity, sunstroke, and other related injuries. Aw, drop it, harold, or you'll be a related injury. Wa-a-a. Gonna be? [ sputtering ] well, here we are with this week's boating tip with glen braxton of braxton's marina. How are you today, glen? Not bad at all, red, for a -- for a guy that's had two heart attacks... Yeah. ...Blown-out gallbladder, double hernia. Plus, I got these bad ankles, too. I find they could be life-threatening if I, you know, couldn't get to a phone or a restaurant or something. Yeah, how about the boating tip today, glen? Well, actually, red, it's a safety tip. Oh, all right, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Uh, the proper way to refill your boat. Perfect. Yeah. Okay, so what you got to do first is shut down the engine. Yeah, you've done that, yeah. Yeah, okay. And then, next, you've got to take off the gas cap. Mm-hmm. Stick the nozzle in there and let her go. Yeah. So, can you get that? Well, it's your demonstration. Oh, I know, red, but I'm allergic to the smell of gas. Oh, yeah, my eyelids will just blow up like balloons. It's horrible. And I get these big blisters, too. All right, glen, spare us the details. Man. Man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man. Yeah, that's it. Just get the cap, there, red. Yeah, thank you. That's it. There we go. Okay, step 3. Yeah. Extinguish all open flames. Oh, I guess that could be, actually, step 1 or 2, couldn't it? I think so. Yeah. I'm sorry. I should have known that. [ chuckles ] now, what do I do, ease off on the nozzle when I hear her filling up, there? Uh sighs well, you can, red, but, uh, that's if the owner of the boat's around. If he's gone, then just keep her going, 'cause you'll make a couple extra bucks every fill-up. That's a good tip for you marine operators out there. Well, that's a nice touch. You're using our show to give rip-off advice. I appreciate that. Well, people want to know this stuff, red. I got to be a full-service business if I'm gonna compete with the information superhighway. All right, I'm done. That's as much gas as I can take. Red: Bill had asked me to meet him out on the gridiron for one of his favorite sports -- football. Oh, yeah, you look great, bill. What an athlete. Ohh! He was asking for that. And now he took me over to the blocking dummy. Actually, you got at least two to choose from, there. Wanted me to try that. One thing I didn't realize is that... [ doink! ] ...I really wasn't wearing the padding. Well, bill's gonna show off again. Backs way up, takes a full run at her, and in he comes. Wow. Watch the aim, there, bill. Oh! Got her right on top of the head. Now, luckily, I had taken that saint john's ambulance course, so I knew exactly what to do in this type of a situation. Oh! It's a boy! And now we try running through the tires here. This is something that you do so that you'll be able to run through tires. I've never seen a football player actually run through tires. That's a total waste of time, but... We got knute rockne here. Yeah, well, you did it yourself. And then he comes -- oh, by gosh. Look at that style. Look out. Watch out, watch out. Oh, oh, oh! And he got himself all wound up in the darn tires -- there he goes. Ha ha ha! Take him over to the big hill. Have some fun. [ chuckles ] well, now, that was a pretty nice kick, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately, it's now bill's turn. Yeah. Got the pointed-toed running shoes, which are not that great for this sport, but they're okay for killing bugs in the corner, I suppose. And bill just had a birthday where he got all these footballs, so he was pretty darn excited. Unfortunately, that one was the cake. All right, bill, here's a normal football. See if you can put this through the uprights. Really let her go. Really hit it. Oh, nice kick! Beautiful kick! Wrong ball, bill. Don't think that didn't hurt. Tell you what, bill. Why don't I have one last kick, all right? You hold it for me. No, no, no. Not just a finger. No, wrap your hand -- I'm gonna really unload. Wrap your hand and lean right over it, bill. Lean right over it. Close your eyes and make a wish. [ laughs ] chalk one up for the home team. Stay tuned. Dougie franklin's gonna lay out a vague theory, and winston rothschild's gonna suck it all up. Harold, you missed out on the excitement. No sooner did we lift up the schoolhouse, you looked down under there -- a skeleton in the foundation. It's probably just one of those gangly white skeletons they used to hang in the corner of the classroom -- you know. You should talk. Anyway, the big question now is where are we gonna put the schoolhouse. Some say down at the park. Some say up at rock reef point. Maybe we could keep it here at the lodge. No, they're afraid we'll wreck it by fixing it up. We're here with small businessman winston rothschild for more of his handy hints for the entrepreneur. Well, listen, first of all, I resent being called a small businessman. Oh, no, I didn't mean your height. I'm talking about the size of your business. I know. What's wrong with my height? Well, no. No, I'm saying you're not exactly a multinational corporation here, winston. You're the only employee. Well, listen, mr. Possum, I mean, just because my cash flow has restricted my employment-acquisition timetable, resulting in a job-sharing situation, I mean, that don't mean I'm not thinking big. Because after all, thinking big -- that's the secret to success right there. I learned that from one of them inspirational tapes -- "think big," by ed big. And you know it's true. Ed, I realized that eventually, someday, I could own, like, my whole fleet of septic-tank trains, uh, septic supertankers, supersonic sewage planes. Septic space shuttles? You see, I plan on expanding into other businesses that are sort of similar in nature, eh? That sort of, um, I don't know, capitalize on my experience and expertise, eh? [ slurping ] oh! Come on! That one just did not want to let go, eh? Like for instance, when youse guys asked me to bring my truck out earlier today, you know, to, uh, move the schoolhouse... Yeah, yeah, yeah. ...A lot of businesspeople would have thought that was just an inconvenient, annoying imposition, eh? Really? Yeah, but to me, it's, oh, so much more than that. I look at that as a business opportunity, eh? [ hose sucking ] and, uh, see, the way I see it... If you got a big schoolhouse like that that you want to move -- no one's moved something like that before, right? No, no, not really. Exactly. So if it works for me, all of a sudden, I got a new business. I'm into renovations and restorations, eh? I suppose. Yeah. Well, are you kidding? I mean, they save old buildings, right? May as well move old outhouses, too. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. You know something? We could be sitting on a fortune. [ chainsaw revving ] wa-a-a! Okay. Uh, welcome to "the experts" portion of the show. This week, claiming to be experts with my uncle red are the franklin brothers, dougie and ben! [ applause ] okay. All right, um, here's the first question. Uh, "dear experts..." wa-a-a! "...If you were washed up on a desert island, who would you want to have with you?" boy, that's a tough one, harold. Uh, I'd want somebody who was good with survival stuff. Yeah. And had, uh, wilderness skills. Dougie: That would be good. Or somebody who would keep a cool head in what I would call your c.S.S., or your crisis situation scenario. Well, then, I'd have to go with gilligan. 'cause, like, he was on that island for like three years. And -- and -- and -- and, like, he built all them shelters. And there was like, you know, it was like a bamboo subdivision. Excuse me, that was just a tv show, though, mr. Franklin. I mean, gilligan really didn't build all those shelters. You are some kind of idiot, you know. The professor built them! Yeah, I got to -- I got to go with dougie on this one. Every time they tried to escape, gilligan always was the one that screwed it up. I would think the guy you would want on your team when you're in one of your crisis situation scenarios would be somebody like the professor. I mean, he was close to a mechanical genius, that feller. You know, I mean, he could do anything. Remember that, uh, record player he built? Had, uh, well, you remember it. It was better than the one they had on "the flintstones," you know, that had that -- that bird with the beak that went down. And after the record was done, it did that, "bock! It's 11:00." remember that? Much better than that. I am not an idiot. It was "gilligan's island," okay? It was about gilligan. He was always coming up with these, like, crazy plans, and everything would go wrong, and then everybody would feel sorry for him, and -- and that's what you want in the wilderness, is somebody dumb that you can feel superior to. That give you a will to live, so I'll -- I'll take gilligan. These are all mythical characters. Well, so what, harold? It's a hypothetical question. Hang on a second here. Let's say -- okay. You're out there on your three-hour tour, all right? Something happens. Whamo -- there you are, stranded on the desert island for, say, three seasons. I'm telling you, I've got to go with the professor. Well, I'd go with gilligan. 'cause he had all the ideas. I would go with either ginger and/or mary ann, I believe. That's not fair. I didn't know they were in this. Okay, I'll take ginger. Mrs. Howell for me. She was good. Wait a sec. Wait a sec. Wait a sec. Oh, uncle red, what about your wife? Wa-a-a! Wouldn't you take your wife? And have bernice stranded on a desert island for three years? I love her too much to put her through that, harold. [ sputtering ] well, the old possum lake schoolhouse has been relocated. Did it go without a hitch? Well, it went without a proper one, harold. Tried to use moose thompson's class-3 homemade hitch that he made out of a stove leg and a doorknob. The whole thing packed it in just as we crested the hill, and the trailer with the schoolhouse on it rolled all the way down the hill, across the town dock, right into possum lake. Oh, great. So, what, now what? We can offer submarine rides to see the historic schoolhouse? [ chuckles ] well, it floats, harold. Schoolhouse is made of wood. Wood floats. I thought you would notice that every time you washed your face. Wa-a-a! So, did you get it out of the lake? No. We're just gonna let her drift there, harold. During the summer, it can be a floating church or a, uh, boat school or maybe one of them marinas that comes right up to your dock. And in the winter, we'll just let her freeze in there solid. You got yourself an ice-fishing hut where everybody gets their own desk. [ screeching ] meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be -- I'll be down in a while. Well, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I have a picture of me sitting behind you in grade four at possum lake school -- that one where I was dipping your pigtail into the inkwell. I know you never forgave me for that, but you'll see by the picture that the pig isn't upset at all. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching, and on behalf of myself and whiz-bang there and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all right, harold, get them up. Um, all rise. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Careful there, uncle red. Careful. Aunt bernice sent this over. She says that you said you wouldn't touch her cooking... Red: To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum, or check out harold's home page on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.